The Power of “NO”

From a young age, I was always very accommodating to other's wants and needs, and I grew up going out of my way to change my schedule so to better suit others… sound familiar?

You adapt your schedule to see friends because you feel you should be the one being flexible. You offer to pay for the taxi because it's easier but, actually, you're utterly skint. You say yes to help with house moves, decorating, general life events and yet never bother anyone when it's your turn or even worse, the same people don't even offer when you ask for help. You have deadlines going on but still say yes because, well, you just never say no

I could list a million scenarios I have seen clients agree to and even experienced myself. It tends to be with more empathetic people and who naturally prioritise other people's needs and wants. This can stem from many factors, but it's usually quite easy to notice in someone. I need to stress that empathy is not a negative… in fact, in today's day and age, it's a God damn superpower. The ability to listen, genuinely understand and make the time to acknowledge someone's feelings is almost a dying art. The world needs these superheroes, but at the same time, it's important to remember that they can often be taken advantage of.

I want you to take a moment and ask yourself; how often do you say yes to doing something when you know you don't want to do it? I am not talking about going to work because it pays the bills; I mean when you agree to meet your friend but have to change your schedule to fit theirs. When there's a family member in need of care and you are volunteered because "you're so much more natural at it". How often are you being thrust into situations outside of the boundaries you want for yourself?

Odds are, if you have read this far, I've triggered something in you, and you recognise traits in yourself that may not be the healthiest. In fact, maybe you are here reading this feeling depleted of energy, drowning in others' schedules and losing a huge part of yourself. Maybe "me time" feels like a fairy tale with no basis in reality.

It's ok, you are not alone in feeling this way, and it's ok to acknowledge you're not happy with the way life is playing out. Take a minute, take some deep breaths and for a few moments in life, just be. Focus on your breath and try to slow your mind from racing. Now, let's bring some logic to this situation!

You can be an empathetic person but still, put you first... let's just say that again so it sinks in, you can be an empathetic person but still put you first! Let's look at some tips and tricks to help you start focusing on you…

Turn It Off
Now, I want you to take a minute and think about our so-called "selfish" friends. Do you know that person who you can see online but has ignored all messages? Or better yet the one who reads and replies days later? Well, I'll admit I once believed they were utter arseholes, but over time, I realised they may have perfected something we need to learn.

They are not answering or doing something in the moment that doesn't serve them, and if they need to take a bit of time, they take a bit of time. They don't go to bed guilty or stressed; their head hits the pillow and they are happy with their day.

You don't need to reply instantly, you don't need to be on call 24/7 for everyone. Turn the phone off, leave your phone in the other room, take 24 hours to reply, stick a "flexible hours" on your email signature and just slow down the pace.

Mobile phones are a blessing and a curse but remember, that little device in your hand does not dictate your life! Human beings have never been switched on so much in history, but it's important to remember we need a break!

Set Your Schedule in Stone
"I have pilates on Thurs can we do Sat "... before you instinctively say yes and brush off the day of housework or gym session you had planned, just stop.

The things we plan for ourselves are important! You might want to brush it off, but you got excited to book it in for a reason. You chose to plan it for a reason. And unless the new plan excites you 100% more than your original... why say yes?

"If its not a fuck yes its a no"
Mark Manson

Prioritise Productivity
I am going to be honest I realise it's not going to be easy to start this, the guilt might get to you. So the trick to this is looking for the positive.

You get your time back when you take control and say no more. Which means all those things you've been dreaming of could become a reality. That hobby you've wanted time for, that exercise class you've always wanted to go to or even just having an hour or two to yourself.

By saying no, you can start to say yes to all the things on your life to-do list.

It might not be easy to start implementing these steps, and in truth, it might take some hard conversations with people close to you to explain why you need to slow down and reevaluate your life and schedule.

Some people might even struggle with it and try the "you've changed" line, but here's the trick, change is essential. The world is constantly evolving, and in turn, so must we. And if you're unhappy and worn out from the YES life... you need to do this for your sanity.

It took me 32 years and a global pandemic slowing down the world for me to realise I wasn't happy being a yes person. And even though I'm so much better now, the guilt still tries to creep in now and again.

I hadn't realised how damaging it was for me to be that friend/family member that always tried to say yes, that text back instantly, that felt guilt if she couldn't make something, and that would literally leave herself worse off financially if it meant everyone else was ok.

You do not have to be everything to everyone because, guess what, their lives will still go on without you. Stop setting such unrealistic standards in your head that you must help everyone. Don't break yourself to try and hold others up!

Saying no doesn't mean you never do anything with anyone or that you become a hermit... you just start to prioritise your life and dreams and fit everything in around it.

For me, it's helped me not to be this sleep-deprived, overly emotional, nightly wine guzzling failure week on week. I couldn't do anything for myself some weeks because others needed me. I'd cancel the gym because it was the only night so and so had free, used her overdraft time and time again to cheer people up, rarely had a night in because I had had to accommodate everyone else and who legit took out thousands in debt cause her ex was shite with money (yup, I did that too!).

I tried to fix things for people, accommodate people, and make their lives easier, all while crippling myself. I have the bank account and bags under my eyes to reflect how much of myself I have given to others. But now, now I love a good no!

Taking these steps helped me and hopefully, they can help you too. As the saying goes, you need to put on your oxygen mask before helping others!

And remember if you need to talk, we are here. Just drop us an email at info@trashpandahq.com

You Are Not Alone