The Hierarchy of Pain
We all know someone who will say to you “that’s not hard, my life is so much harder…” blah blah blah, as they proceed to complain about their stressors, just when you felt able to open up to them about how you were feeling. But here’s the thing, comparison is something us humans often do and it does come naturally without much thought. What we do need to learn though is how to stop belittling someones experience instead of understanding.
When it comes down to it, comparison is so natural. We see someone trying their hand at a new venture and we compare them to the person we know who has been doing it for ten years. Looking at the siblings who had near identical upbringings but are living radically different lives. It's not always a negative to compare, sometimes it's just interesting to see differences, to be inspired by others achievements or to simply see there's different ways to do things.
Where comparison fails, is when we use it to compare others pain, their trauma or difficult life situations. When we say one is more deserving of our sympathy, time or understanding.
Take for example the latest drama between the Spears sisters (random example I know, but go with me on this). Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears seem to have both had shitty experiences with their parents and on numerous occasions been failed by them in many ways. But due to Britney having been in the conservatorship the social media consensus has decided only her voice matters and so many are casting hatred on her sister for trying to discuss the shit she endured. Instead of listening to both women and allowing them both the space and understanding to tell their sides, the public and those around them seem to be pitting them against one another.
It's just another one of these moments that the narrative is one person's journey and their pain trumping someone else’s and so we see one story as not as valid. But I need to share with you an alternative to this narrative from one of the most inspiring and influential women I have ever read/learned about. Dr Edith Eger. A holocaust survivor, a psychologist, she got her PhD in her 50’s and published her first of two best selling novels at 90 years old! (Yup, she is as awesome and inspiring as she sounds)
In her book The Gift, she talks about a patient who had come in for therapy with her. This woman was trying to process and recover after being raped, a physical attack that had lead her to seek support. However, when she learned Dr. Eger’s story she felt being raped was “not as bad” as being in a concentration camp. This is were Dr. Eger explained its not her story vs mine, this traumatic experience was her own version of her holocaust. Neither situation could be compared but they both equally deserved a platform to speak on and be supported to work through the pain.
I don’t stand here and say just don’t compare and expect you to stop - if only any negative aspect of life was that easy! But I want to start these conversations so you think about not only how you look at others in judgement but how you may be putting yourself down or not allowing others to share what you deem “nothing” but for them is a lot. But let me share with you probably my biggest judgement to date and how I have learned to change my mindset on it.
In my life I have lost an auntie and uncle to cancer, they were siblings, they came from the same family, raised in the same home and from the same religion - although age, gender and being a parent were the major differences in their story. Both however, lost long battles with cancer and lay in beds for their final days as family came to see them and say farewell.
My auntie, she was taken far too young and leaving behind children not ready to say goodbye. Inspite of this, she showed such strength and love in a time that must have been filled with pain. When you walked in to see her, she asked how you were, she cared how you felt. She lay there unable to eat but never stopped wanting to be the best mum, the best sister, the best auntie… she never showed the dark side to death that I later came to know. But she was my first, and probably most prominent death I remember in my life. I was young and yes, probably shielded from a lot but she was a strong ass woman even in the face of death.
And then you have my uncle, a man who never had any kids but was a second father to all his 17 nieces and nephews…yes we a big family, catholic and from the highlands so you know, there wasn’t many distractions back then! My uncle passed away at a later age, not quite Betty White at 99 but he had a good life type age. The thing is I always knew he never wanted to go, I think he feared death more than most and in the end watching him go was actually more traumatic for me. I remember the last time I went to see him he grabbed my hand so tightly as I tried to say goodbye and the look in his eyes… I had to call for my mum to help loosen his grip and let me leave. I felt so much guilt walking away but I’d never seen a reaction to death like that and sadly my mind reflected on the last visit to my auntie, feeling safe, feeling it was all ok verses feeling terrified and helpless that I could do nothing for him.
I don’t tell this story to belittle either life or ending, I loved them both so much and my life is forever richer for having BOTH of them in it. But I tell you this to stress, both of them wanted to live, both wanted more time and I do not doubt both felt this was not fair to go out this way. But no two people or journey’s are the same and as much as I used to think one was harder than the other… it’s not the case.
We feel so much as human beings, some of us can show and tell the world, some of us have to hide behind the facade. Our journeys are all different and even in similar situations we respond differently. What I have learned and keep learning, is that in this world your story is enough and you do not need to be anything more or feel anything more than what you are. If you have ever told a story and felt invalidating it’s ok, if you have ever held back from sharing it’s ok and if you have ever made a judgement about someone based on what you know it’s ok!
We are human and ultimately, I need you to read this and know we will never be perfect at this journey of life. But, we can keep trying and keep reminding ourselves we are not alone through any of this. So next time you hear someone open up just remember, for them telling you this it may be more difficult than you could ever understand. Let them share, listen and just try to understand their viewpoint even if you don’t 100% agree.
And remember if you need to talk, we are here. Just drop us an email at info@trashpandahq.com
You Are Not Alone
