The Big D

Last week I started reading a book about the big D, no not that you dirty so and so. I’m referring to depression, or as Winston Churchill referred to it “the black dog”. The book was called “Shoot the damn dog” and the author, Sally Brampton, has written a memoir of depression in a way that just made me feel, not so alone. 

I make no secret of the fact that I have depression, in the same way that I have a dodgy left knee and get watery eyes on windy days… it’s just a part of my make up as a person but, by no means defines who I am. And let’s be clear, my struggle is that of a mental health one. There are many people who have it much worse and there is a difference in mental health and mental illness. For some, it can become debilitating whereas others find it manageable. I suppose we should look at it the same way we do Autism – there is a spectrum, and we all fall somewhere along it. 

It is hard to write about it, on one side there is the stigma that still exists and on the other side there is an increase in people viewing it as “trendy”. I find it hard to discuss an already difficult topic in a way that makes sense and doesn’t cause outrage. Like so many aspects of life, we now find ourselves walking a tightrope attempting to discuss eloquently the concepts, at risk of being cancelled by the left or labelled a snowflake by the right. 

Sally did this perfectly though, and her book was the first in a long time that I lost myself in. I found myself taking notes, getting excited at content, ready to discuss mental health again and just that sense of relief as in “thank fuck it’s not just me”. I got over halfway through the book and already wanted to post about it. Queue a stylised picture of the book with a cuppa, then search her name in social media and…. nothing. Most authors have a presence somewhere, so I was a bit confused and sadly, this is where it took a turn.

On the 10th May 2016, eight years after writing about her recovery from depression she lost her battle with it. I never met this woman, don’t know her from Adam but I sat at my desk seeing this news and wept. She thought she had beat it, she thought she’d found a way to live with it.

In that moment I had the horrible realisation that depression – wherever you lay on the spectrum – is a cruel thing to deal with. I have mild bouts here and there but never frequent enough for medical intervention and only ever had two serious episodes but each time I reached out. But on seeing this news my mind started rushing thinking “But what if this is the calm before the storm? What if it’s just building up to come full force?”. It became clear one day it may not be enough and as much as we wish for freedom from it, unlike losing weight we can never lose depression.

Looking back, I have known many people who could no longer deal with the battle and I became aware of it at a very young age. I watched my brother lose a friend so young and I remember the overwhelming question being why? Maybe a sign I was destined for depression though because I instantly knew why, life wasn’t what he imagined, life was out of his control and quite simply the darkness won. It didn’t seem illogical to me that it became too much for someone. 

I’m sorry dear reader, perhaps this piece should come with a trigger warning. It has become tremendously sad here hasn’t it? I wish I could turn it around for you and leave you with some positivity, but life is made up of the good and the bad. Maybe the best thing is to take a moment here and just feel the sadness, embrace the grief, we are allowed to feel this and let it all sink in.

And although I can’t now say “but on the bright side” I will admit there are ways we all can try to turn the narrative around. I am guessing if you have made it this far you either have or know someone with depression, so let’s make a deal…

We keep trying, we keep going not just for ourselves but for everyone we have lost.

We keep trying so those who follow this path in the future, so they know it can be done.

We keep talking about this and refuse to suffer in silence.

We reach out a hand for help when we need it, despite what the darkness tells us.

We try!

I just want to end and say to anyone who has lost someone, I know it can feel like you should have done more but please don’t blame yourself. We have not found the cure for this yet and it was not your responsibility to know and I’ll let you in on a little secret; the best actors in the world are people with depression, because unless we let you in, you’ll never know. We perfect the smile and face we show the world often before we even acknowledge somethings wrong, so there is no blame here. 

And I felt it was only fitting to dedicate this blog in loving memory of Sally Brampton – who in honour of, we keep trying!

Remember if you need to talk, we are here. Just drop us an email at info@trashpandahq.com

You Are Not Alone