Never Rains…
You know how they say it never rains but it pours - well the first half of this year felt like a f*cking flash flood! 2023 didn’t start as well as it could and indeed as a business and as individuals we faced a lot of hurdles. It has been challenging and I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days we could have just given up.
But that would be a very abrupt end to this blog wouldn’t it be dear reader? “It was too much and so we gave up” - a bit depressing if we’d opted for that path and a bit odder if announced it this way.
We didn’t give up but there have been a lot of reasons why we have been quieter since the end of last year. We are only human, and so after a few blows we did feel a bit, well defeated! Since around November 2022 we had…
BAM Building costs quadruple
BAM Have to terminate lease on building and risk bankruptcy as a business
BAM Family member died
BAM Friend dies in tragic accident
BAM 6 weeks of work cancelled last minute
BAM Kitchen floods
BAM Never got to meet the racoons (weird one to explain)
BAM Van Self Drive Insurance prices (Jesus fucking Christ on that by the way)
BAM Massive vet bill cause your dogs pissing blood
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!
It just kind of felt like we had a target on our back and for a long time it was like we couldn’t get through one month without at least one big blow. I mean maybe all the hits would have been ok if not working three jobs and dealing with the cost of living crisis and feeling like passing ships in the night in our relationship as we did all we could to recoup lost income and compensate for all the fun big bills constantly appearing.
Just the energy needed to get out of bed some days was intense, I even used pre-workout some days just to avoid napping because sleep was being lost to stress most nights. I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel, well I believed there was but it definitely felt like we had miles to travel to get there.
I felt exhausted and adding to it was the emotional toll when within a fortnight I had six people, a mixture of clients and loved ones, confide in me about intense traumas from childhood. Now I was not mad they shared this, I felt glad they had a safe space to finally open up about such things. But I’d be lying if I said this part of my job does not take a bit of a toll mentally.
Over the months, the weight of all this was building - think Luisa in Encanto’s big number “Pressure”. The weight of all these events, all the sadness, all the challenges - I felt helpless and it was getting heavier and heavier. I was hoping for a moment of Herculean strength to push through it all but it never came. That cinematic moment where you magically just become instantly stronger than before and can carry it all, well that Hollywood dream wasn’t coming.
I wasn’t able to hold everything up and be ok anymore, instead I had to simply drop it all and let it come crumbling down. It was time for me to take a bit of time and rebuild from the ground up. Ironically I had to take my own advice that I often tell to potential clients - it was time to talk!
And so I signed up with a counsellor and started opening up to a stranger about things that felt to hard to share with loved ones. I can’t dump what I carry on loved ones but with her I was able to take it all, lay it down in front of her and just ask her to listen as I talked through it all.
On our first meeting I cried harder than I knew I could and then the whole journey home. The floodgates had opened and I cried happy tears because someone could listen and not try to fix the issues. She listened and reassured me and that was all I wanted, all I needed. I wanted what I offer clients, what friends seek me out for but I had to find a stranger I felt safe with so I could try and work through all of it.
Slowly, but surely my mental strength returned and all the while I kept focused on building the physical strength with my escape to my “cult meetings” as my partner affectionately refers to my CrossFit classes. I was no longer able to live life only for others and not looking after me amongst the chaos. Now I get to move forward feeling stronger in so many ways and prioritising this time for me.
And I look back knowing all the things that happened were bad luck but nothing we weren't’t able to recover from and now we have grieved the sadness of what has been lost, I’ve lost any anger or pain I linked to it all. I am moving forward now stronger and with a pride that after it all I am still here and still as determined if not more so to make our business a success.
We are not down and out, we just needed time and support. We found that in a variety of places beyond counselling and CrossFit but it all was needed and we are grateful for it all and everyone who stood by our sides.
Would it be nice if we never had to take all the blows in such a quick succession? Yes… again we are human and an easy life would be nice from time to time. But we still have a home, we still have a business that is growing, we still have our health and above all we have people who love us and will always stand by our sides. Sometimes it takes the bad to highlight that the good is still there in abundance!
I have learned a lot this year and the challenges have of course changed me. But that is how we grow, just as the seasons change and the years add up - we get to evolve as individuals. As we move into this last quarter of the year I am ready for new challenges and know exactly how to cope should the weight of it all become too much again.
If you want to talk about your own journey that you are struggling with or even share it here, please get in touch! Let’s not stop the conversations here. Just drop us an email at info@trashpandahq.com
