What doesn’t kill you…
Exactly one year ago today, Trash Panda CIC was on the brink of folding. What was the straw that broke the camel’s back you ask? Well, travelling to the arse-end of England to see racoons, only to miss our slot by 10 minutes due to some lavatory-based distress and then to be told by the prick receptionist (he was not someone who should work with the general public) that we wouldn’t get in that day but could come back in 5 days time.
Yes, you read this right and yes, it is as bat-shit crazy as it seems. Last year, on a night away we took to blow off steam, have some time just for us and to not think about everything we had going on, ended up turning into a literal SHIT SHOW!
As you may or may not know dear reader, 2023 started off pretty hard for us. Not only as a business but as people. Due to inflating costs our dream of operating our HQ came to an end and in January we returned the keys. Our landlord was very kind in this process, but the blow still hit, and we saw tens of thousands of pounds we had invested and spent to get to that point disappear.
Then Adrian lost a family member and then a friend - two deaths within a fortnight of each other. He was, as you can imagine, struggling and when you love someone your heart breaks alongside theirs. But I tried to support him as best I could as he navigated the grief and all that came with that.
It was from here that the business had an opportunity offered that was - on paper - pretty fucking epic. To take hold of this opportunity, we cancelled 6 weeks’ worth of work, but the opportunity, unfortunately, never came to fruition. Now, I am not going to lie, this one stung, and in all honesty because of how much Adrian was going through, to have this added on to his plate, well it made me angry. I went into the lioness defending the pride mode and held onto that anger for a long time… like a long, long time… like my counsellor has just got me to move on in the last couple months kind of time.
Then you throw in all the little life niggles; increasing bills, juggling three jobs to try and keep up with said ever increasing bills, supporting clients through difficult times, supporting family and friends because you are the one they turn to and trying to maintain a relationship when both your lives are consumed by nothing but worry and stress over the business you built together.
So yes, on the 28th of February 2023 I sat and cried, uncontrollable tears in Trash Vanda 1 and dumped out all my worries and my desire to give up on the business to Adrian as he sat there, feeling unwell and to be honest, in a bit of shock. I just remember repeating over and over “when does it get easier, when can we get a break?”. I think until that moment he thought nothing would break me - so did I to be fair - but I was not prepared for the shit show of that trip.
Spoiler alert, however, we did not close the business. But that day took a lot out of us both, mentally and physically. On the drive home we laughed off as much as we could and tried to focus on what we could do and decided to take an almost “fuck it, why not” attitude to the year ahead. Because in all honesty, we had nothing left to lose when it came to the business.
Nothing was going to get easier per se, but we were done with letting it drag us down. We decided to try some whacky stuff. Applied to host a panel at SXSW festival, didn’t get it but hey, why not try. We invested in different equipment and have ended up upgrading a lot of what we have to offer. I even took the plunge and went full time in the business, but it wasn’t the right time, and I just needed the right job to work alongside it - I have now found that job and it is perfect!
But we also started to focus on us as individuals!!! I joined a cult (joke, it’s CrossFit don’t worry Scientology hasn’t gotten me… yet). And I now work out regularly. Not just for the physical benefits but oh my god, I can’t explain how much my mental health needs it! I also go to counselling now and it is my space to look after me and just get out all the stress I carry and tell someone, someone who will just listen and let me feel what I need to feel.
We spend time together as a couple without mentioning the business, although Adrian still struggles to contain his excitement when he sees a new piece of tech for his job - this is a work in progress. We also do try and make our friends and family a priority. Anyone who is self-employed or runs a business will know, you sacrifice a lot for it, but we want to better balance that, so no matter what we do, we aim to enjoy life!
I guess you can tell this past year, we have worked on all of this and more. Some came easier than others, but we survived it. We came out the other side and as a friend once said, “you do land in shit and coming out smelling of roses”. I corrected her though, we seem to land in shit, get dragged by a tractor for a few miles but manage to grab some roses on the way despite the thorns and use them to mask the smell of the blood, dirt, and shit.
It’s not that I stand here today saying things are perfect. They never will be. But we are so much stronger mentally after getting through all of that together. (And physically stronger too, because yeah, this cult malarkey has given me muscles, I never knew existed!)
The business… and us, are still standing and I am unabashedly proud of that! And I know we’ll never be millionaires, I mean we would never have started a CIC if we wanted to be (hi to all our limited company entrepreneur friends, you self-focused geniuses you) BUT, our little old business, despite the bumps in the road, it pays our bills and supports us and it continues to grow in ways we never imagined but love to see.
So just your little friendly reminder if you too one day hit your ‘being rejected from seeing racoons’ moment in life. It’s going to suck for a while, but you will be able to navigate your way through it. Find the right people to be around you and you will come out the other side stronger.
Oh, and remember, holding onto anger does not serve you - it only holds you back. Whatever it is that added to the bumps in the road learn to leave it in the past and move on because you will just crash if you are too busy looking behind you instead of focusing on the road ahead!
If you want to talk about your own journey that you are struggling with or even share it here, please get in touch! Let’s not stop the conversations here. Just drop us an email at info@trashpandahq.com
