Alcoholic Not So Anonymous…

Hi, my name is Katy and… well actually I am not an alcoholic, but I’m not really happy with my relationship with alcohol either. Now with an introduction like this at an AA meeting I’d probably be told I needed to do the steps; I need to admit I’m powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable, but I'm not and it isn’t. You see I actually have a lot of issues with AA and its relevance today, primarily because it was written by an old white man who was super Christian and it was set out in America in 1935. I can admit the programme has helped a lot of people but for a huge chunk of the population like myself, it feels the furthest away from my life and not really fitting – even if the end goal is the same. 

You see, I feel somewhere lost in the population between those who don’t really care for or overindulge in alcohol and then the full-blown alcoholics who struggle to get through the hours let alone days without a drink. If you ever read ‘Quit Like A Woman’ I feel Holly Whitaker put it best when she said that those around me wouldn’t flinch if I continued on this path of social boozing but in equal parts wouldn’t be shocked if I signed into rehab.

Because here’s the thing, I don’t depend on alcohol, but I enjoy having it. I love a night out with friends drinking wine and playing cards, at family meals and parties – pass the prosecco and the offer of a gin tasting, I’M IN! It’s enjoyable, it’s social, it brings out drunk Katy and she’s ballsy as f***! But then comes the hangover, the eating shite to feel better, the terrifying calorie count, 24 hour headache, mouth tasting like sandpaper, droll puddle on the pillow and ultimately the sacrifice of productivity and energy levels. The hangover might only be the next day but let’s be honest if you lose 24 hours in an already busy week it almost writes off everything else. Oh plus, I’m actually told, drunk Katy, although ballsy can also take it too far and pass out or throw up on occasion… oopsie! 

Whenever talk of quitting comes up though there are always two inevitable responses -“are you pregnant?” or the discussion of how quitting isn't necessary and that moderation is what is needed. For some I can see that working but for me, oh well might as well tell you this one too “hi my name is Katy and I also have an addictive personality”. You might be able to relate with me here, you know the feeling of if one is good, five must be better - sound familiar maybe?

In recent years though sober living, alcohol free life has become more and more visible to me. From instagram accounts to podcasts and sitting down with friends to discuss the idea (oh we have a Trash Panda podcast on it here!). Maybe the universe was planting seeds or I was seeking it out but I have found myself more and more drawn to the shift. Yet despite three years of flirting with the change I have never fully committed - oh we’ve had the odd dalliance, 45 days here, a month there but something, or perhaps a lot of things has held me back from making the change. 

Picking apart my relationship with alcohol hasn’t been easy and in truth I’m not sure I’ll ever fully understand it. There are so many factors but one I am hyper aware of is that I am Scottish, born and bred. Now I don’t say this to excuse my choices to drink but as a nation alcohol is not only ingrained in our culture but it is also one of the biggest industries and exports we have to offer. Our country and economy quite literally live off the stuff! It’s a legal depressant we utilise for all occassions; weddings - drink, baptism - drink, new job - drink, end of relationship - drink, funeral - really fucking drink! Our culture encourages drinking from a young age and in all honesty I don’t think I know anyone who waited till 18 for their first. 

I’m not sure why over the past few years I have been having this conversation with myself but I have. Maybe it was entering my 30’s, the old biological clock ticking, wanting to start my own business or being finally and truly happy in life. But the desire to quit has been fluttering at the surface for a long time now. It’s been hard though and I often felt it was unfair I had to give up something I enjoy. That by stopping it would make me anti-social, that it was going to make me not fun or I’d struggle to deal with the annoying drunks and stop seeing people! Up until now I just stuck with the norm, with the pleasure of booze and the stinking hangover to match. 

So what’s changed you might ask? Maybe you’re sitting here dear reader and stuck with the same dilemma. I’m not sure I can honestly pinpoint one moment, but ultimately I am putting my goals and vision for my life ahead of my enjoyment of drinking. 

I have to admit to something though because I started writing these blogs to be honest and 100% honest I shall be - fear is also a huge driver in this. I am scared that life continuing with alcohol for me will result in a few major negatives. It will stop me building an incredible business, will see my weight creep up and negatively impact my mental health. As someone who has depression, throwing an extra depressant in the mix is just a little mad. Ultimately, I fear it will take away more from my life than it could ever give and that one day AA may be right and it will be controlling my life. 

I can’t guarantee I’ll be teetotal forever, I might reach a time when the hangovers are worth it… maybe when I buy my own island and my days are there to simply be indulged in! (I can dream right?) But in the interim while I have goals, while my schedule is busy and I am putting my health first, it is now time to pass the Nosecco and AF beer! I’ve enjoyed the past month socialising on the alcohol free stuff and enjoyed waking up fresh the next day even more so. I haven’t overly publicised this till now, and on a few nights with friends I didn’t even reference my drinks weren’t alcoholic. But I have sat with a few who have been contemplating the change as well and discussing it has been inspiring. It has made me want to start talking about it here because I am weirdly proud and happy with how I am feeling. So here it goes…

Hi my name is Katy, and I’m enjoying alcohol free living and intend to do so for a fair wee while! 

If you want to talk about your own journey with alcohol, maybe your loving sober life or looking to dip a toe in get in touch! Even if you just need to talk, we are here.

Just drop us an email at info@trashpandahq.com

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