Rock Bottom
“Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been maybe… like… eh 25 years ish since my last confession... so maybe we should catch up!”
As human beings we often like to try and distinguish ourselves from one another. We hold our own “unique” political, religious, social ideas and values. Our styles and life choices all seem to stand as markers of how different we are. But what do we all have in common, well I guess a few core things - we will all die and we all make mistakes while living.
No matter how much some people act better than, every human who has walked this planet has made a mistake. Some mistakes may feel bigger than others and yes, some are more damaging than others but ultimately as human beings we learn through making mistakes and the hope is, we learn and don’t make them again.
Maybe it’s an age thing as well, but this knowledge, this understanding of the human make up has helped me to be kinder to others. Where the 20 something version of me would have called people cruel, crazy or assholes for an action I didn’t agree with - my 33 year old self now sits back and asks why. I think about why they’d make that choice or say that thing and 9 times out of 10 its not just because they are a dick. But regardless, we live in a world to quick to cancel someone and I simply do not agree with that mentallity and the blatant disregard of a second (or third or fourth) chance.
In fact, I’d go as far to say I hate cancel culture and those who promote it are just lazy and lacking a major human component… compassion. You see we can’t just stand here yelling at each other and we really can’t take peoples actions years ago as evidence who they are today. It is this odd time in society where it feels we have reverted back to the witch trial days - “she said this one word in 1999, BURN HER!”.
But then maybe its my honesty (some call it word vomit) that has helped me become more understanding. I don’t feel shame in admitting to the lowest parts or biggest mistakes of my life because ultimately these moments have made me who I am and I wouldn't change them for anything. You often hear the “what would you tell your younger self” and honestly, nothing… she lived and learned and got me here. Ok well maybe I’d tell her to invest stock in Apple early but that’s just because I really want a great big bit of land!
But our mistakes we sometimes view so negatively are in reality turning points, triggers for life changing moments and you have the power to improve. When you hit rock bottom there really is only two choices - stay there or climb!
Let me confess to you my lowest moment and probably biggest fail in life to date. In 2016 I was arrested (and rightly so) for drink driving. In truth wasn't my first time doing it and if I hadn't got caught I dread to think what horrific accident could have happened had I not had the wake up call... I'm not fucking invincible but back then I believed I was. I’ll be honest it was one of a long line of mistakes in my life whereby I decided to ignore my morale compass and take the easy option. You may sit there and think “I would never” but I can assure you there is probably a lot of questionable shit you do in your life sweetheart so back at ya!
I can assure you the night in the cells, though brief... was a fecking wake up call to everything going wrong in my life. Because ultimately I wasn’t just fucking up because I’d been on a night out, I wasn’t happy in my life. I wasn’t happy that I’d hurt people through choices. I wasn’t happy being in an unhealthy relationship and sacrificing so much of myself. Ultimately, I wasn’t being the person I wanted to be and that is on me, its was due to the choices I made and things I did. And then there it was CRASH, SMASH, THUD - ROCK BOTTOM!
In a strange twist of of events though, it was the biggest wake up call I never knew I needed. Because I lost my licence it meant I sold my car, but as I worked and studied in Edinburgh I then rented a flat there and eventually found the lady balls to end a relationship I was miserable in. I set myself free and for the first time in probably my entire adult life sat down and decided the type of person I should be, who I wanted to be deep down and acknowledged all the toxic traits I needed to seriously work on.
Now I didn’t wake up the next day and become a saint of a human, hell no and some days I still have little cunt esq behaviours shine through. However, I recognise it now and even call myself out when I do it - it mainly seems to be when I vent or judge someone because I am human and I still do this. But I make sure after the thoughts leave my head (and sometimes my lips) that I sit and think about the person, why they might be where they are and ultimately giving myself a slap because my shit has no place in their life.
I am, like all of us, a work in progress and I’ll never be perfect but I will always strive to be good. And it’s funny though, people think I have my shit together but truth is NONE OF US DO! Yes, I’ll never be the asshole I thought I had to be in my early 20’s - she’s dead. But I can still be judgemental, impatient and angry for no sane reason! The difference now though, is I know these are times I need to work on me and not take it out on the world around me.
Life isn’t easy and in all honesty I don’t think it was ever meant to be but if you sit here now reading this and your in your rock bottom, remember what I said earlier, you have two choices - stay there or climb! And as much as the inner voice may be telling you your stuck, I believe you can climb out of this. It comes down to the choices you make, admitting to yourself your faults and planning how you can change your behaviours.
Yes, some people are dealt shitter hand than others and you have no control over that, but what you do have power over is how you respond and react. You are not responsible for what has happened to you but you are responsible for what you choose to do! An example of this, imagine someone abandons a baby on your doorstep, you were in no way responsible for why that baby ended up there but you are 100% for what happens next and getting that child to safety!
So give yourself some time, sit down and have a full confession with yourself about who you have been and who you want to be and remember, you can come back from all this stronger.
Remember if you need to talk, we are here. Just drop us an email at info@trashpandahq.com
You Are Not Alone
